and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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