Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
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