I got chris browned last night
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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