Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
