so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
