Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
