she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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