What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
