one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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