Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
my poor anus
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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