I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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