I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
