so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
