is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
