You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
