She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
