The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Randomize
