I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
