I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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