Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
ok first of all what the fuck
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
