I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
