I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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