Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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