My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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