my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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