come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
