just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
