WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
