if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
