How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
