He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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