She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i would punch a child for taco bell
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
