I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
