I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
