We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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