i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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