thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm at about main and main street
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
