the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize