I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
it glows. i had to have it.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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