I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
