yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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