shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
