I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
