that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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