Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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