i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My feet surprised me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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