My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I have demons in me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
