I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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