a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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