Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
