u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Found your dick twin last night
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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