You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
