oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
you never un-have a 4some
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
