she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
