i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize