So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
