No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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