dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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