I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
