i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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